When I first moved into my apartment, it was unfurnished so I headed down to Home Depot to pick up some shades for the bedroom windows.

Before heading to Home Depot, I carefully measured the width and height of the window frame and wrote down the dimensions. The window was 29 7/8ths inches wide, so I knew that I would need the shades custom cut to fit my window. I figured this would be a relatively quick process; little did I know what was in store for me.

After arriving at Home Depot, I wandered around until I found the area with shades. There I saw a friendly employee helping another customer look through every possible type of shade and curtain currently in stock. I quickly found the shades I wanted, and patiently waited by the shade cutting mechanism for the lady to finish up with the other customer. After 20 minutes of watching the other customer asking questions with no end in sight, I set out to find another employee who could quickly cut the shades for me.

I found an employee and they offered to page someone to the department, and instructed me to head back to where I was and wait. As I approached the shade area, I saw the same employee who was still helping the other customer, answer the phone for the page. Finally, after another 15 minutes of mindless banter between her and the customer, she was ready to cut my shades.

The following conversation ensued:

Me: Can you please cut these to 29 7/8 inches?
Employee: Sure, let me just set this up.
(At which point I notice she is about to cut the shades to 29 2/8 inches.)
Me: I really need those to be 29 7/8, 29 2/8 would be too short.
Employee: 29 7/8, right. That’s what I’m doing. Just under 29 1/2.
Me: 29 7/8 is just under 30, please cut them just under 30.
Employee: Your math is wrong, it’s just under 29 1/2.
Me: I know what I measured, please cut it to 29 7/8 which is just under 30 inches.
Employee: Fine. I’ll do what you say, but you’re still wrong.
Me: Just cut the shades.
Employee: Ok. But you’re wrong. (She then cut the shades where I told her to.)

Needless to say, they fit perfectly.

What are you, Freak’n kidding me!?

It was me or the Plow, one of us was going down. I could tell by the sleep deprived glaze in the plow driver’s eyes that he was intent on burying me alive in a ten foot wave of snow. As with all life or death situations time slows down. It became crystal clear to me the instant before I was to be buried alive that I needed to escape the attack of the behemoth, Killer Snow Plow.

I was pushing my brand new craftsman snow plow up the side walk, proudly clearing the way when I heard the unmistakable rumble of the death dealer, the towns largest, most fearsome snow plow. I looked up in time to see a wave of snow ten feet high, a veritable tsunami, heading my way. I jumped back from my snow blower realizing that my miniscule 7.5 HP Techumsa powered snow blower with the sweet joy stick controller for the exit chute was no match for the Killer Snow Plow. I was pined between the stone wall going up my walk way and the mail box. I had no where to go but up. I was forced to abandon my brand new blower and jump over the wall. I was shaken. The adrenaline still pumped through my veins as the killer plow passed by. I could clearly see the overpaid, drunkard of a town employee with the sleep deprived gaze laughing hysterically, maniacally. His accomplice, Igor, was in the passenger seat yelling something unintelligible from behind his window and shaking his fist at me.

As the death dealer rumbled down the road I jumped into the middle of the street swearing like a sailor, shaking my fist back at Igor, but to no avail.

I called the Street Department to complain but the supervisor could not stop laughing. I heard him call to someone in the back ground “Looks like Igor got another one, he’s in the lead now!”

That wasn’t very satisfying so I called the police. Three hours later, they sent two officers in an SUV that they had confiscated from some drug dealer pimp. After I described the situation the officer summarized the situation for me as he saw it,

“So let me get this straight, you were blowing your snow out onto the town street and then you threatened and verbally assaulted a town employee as he attempted to make our streets safe for women and children?”

I quietly said never mind and made an on the spot contribution to the Policemen’s Benevolent Society, I also thanked them for their quick response.