Home Depot Math Wizards
By CubePirates | October 18, 2007
Several weeks ago I moved into a new apartment. The apartment was unfurnished so I headed down to Home Depot to pick up some shades for the bedroom windows.
Before heading to Home Depot, I carefully measured the width and depth of the window frame and wrote down the dimensions. The window was 29 7/8ths inches wide, so I knew that I would need the shades custom cut to fit my window. I figured this would be a relatively quick process; little did I know what was in store for me.
After arriving at Home Depot, I wandered around until I found the area with shades. There I saw a friendly employee helping another customer look through every possible type of shade and curtain currently in stock. I quickly found the shades I wanted, and patiently waited by the shade cutting mechanism for the lady to finish up with the other customer. After 20 minutes of watching the other customer asking questions with no end in sight, I set out to find another employee who could quickly cut the shades for me.
I found an employee and they offered to page someone to the department, and instructed me to head back to where I was and wait. As I approached the shade area, I saw the same employee who was still helping the other customer, answer the phone for the page. Finally, after another 15 minutes of mindless banter between her and the customer, she was ready to cut my shades.
The following conversation ensued:
Cube Pirate: Can you please cut these to 29 7/8 inches?
Employee: Sure, let me just set this up.
(At which point I notice she is about to cut the shades to 29 2/8 inches.)
Cube Pirate: I really need those to be 29 7/8, 29 2/8 would be too short.
Employee: 29 7/8, right. That’s what I’m doing. Just under 29 1/2.
Cube Pirate: 29 7/8 is just under 30, please cut them just under 30.
Employee: Your math is wrong, it’s just under 29 1/2.
Cube Pirate: I know what I measured, please cut it to 29 7/8 which is just under 30 inches.
Employee: Fine. I’ll do what you say, but you’re still wrong.
Cube Pirate: Just cut the shades.
Employee: Ok. But you’re wrong. (She then cut the shades where I told her to.)
Needless to say, they fit perfectly.
Topics: General Rage | 1 Comment »
What are you, kidding me?
By GMikeG | October 15, 2007
I’m Pissed Off!
I am constantly amazed at how many new and creative ways companies find to rip you off! I’ve been a Cingular customer for years. First Cingular Wireless, was 60-percent owned by SBC. With the re-branding it was a little confusing, but the service was about the same. Now Cingular has merged with AT&T and things are more ridiculous than ever. I have bundled service that include my cell phones, land line and internet service. You’d think they would try to satisfy me and keep my business, but no, they are too huge and impersonal to care. I just got off the phone with them and I’m PISSED OFF!
I upgraded all four of the cell phones in my family this year. I hesitated because I didn’t want to commit to a 2 year contract but our phones were starting to die due to old age and I decided to bite on one of their free upgrade deals. Basically this is the scam, you can upgrade to certain phones for free. By free they mean you pay some cash upfront, and upon signing a 2 year contract, they promise to mail you back a rebate for the amount of money you paid. Sweet deal, free phones, NOT!
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Topics: General Rage | No Comments »
Road Regulations in Cube Land
By GMikeG | October 8, 2007
I feel your pain Dude! We’ve all been there. The laws of common civilized behavior seem to erode in the Cube Jungle we know and love. However, is it a open and shut case of inconsiderate slobs simply trying to get from point a to point b in the shortest most direct route? Or is it more of a cultural issue in this melting pot of outsourced services we call work?
Having been trained in root cause analysis (caution: dangerous use of office-speak) I decided to research this phenomenon. As I’ve stated recently, I am the Diversity Ombudsmen for my company. I’ve noticed that many of our software engineers come from India. Knowing that Indians are highly intelligent and sensitive people I realize they would not intentionally walk in your space, man. Read the rest of this entry »
Topics: Cube Stories | No Comments »
Public Service Announcement
By The Dude | October 5, 2007
I just got up to get some water and almost walked right into a woman of somewhat generous proportions. This brings me to today’s rant.
An open letter to my fellow cube farm dwellers:
Here in the United States, when driving on our roadways we keep to the right. I think it is an unwritten rule that, as a society, we have generally agreed to walk through hallways as we drive on our roadways - by keeping to the right. You can observe this trend in airports (think of the people movers), malls, stairwells, and the aisles of stadiums and movie theaters. I have not been overseas, but I suspect that in countries where people drive on the left, they generally keep left while walking in crowds.
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Topics: General Rage, Cube Stories | No Comments »
Freedom of Choice
By The Dude | October 4, 2007
For weeks now, Cube Pirate has been engaged in an utterly meaningless tug of war with the night cleaning crew. When they come to empty his trash bin, they place it in a different location than where he likes to keep it. In his cubicle-induced neurosis, Cube Pirate takes this personally. Convinced they are trying to intentionally undermine his god-given right to choose where he keeps the trash bin, he returns it to his preferred location every morning:
Cube Pirate i think i won the war with the night cleaners
Cube Pirate they haven’t moved my garbage in 2 days
The Dude listen to yourself
The Dude LISTEN
The Dude this is a dilbert comic
The Dude that is meant to point out how sad and pathetic cube life is
The Dude and it just came out of your mouth
Cube Pirate hahahha
Cube Pirate it still may be too premature to declare victory
Cube Pirate i’m not about to hang a “Mission Accomplished” banner or anything yet
Topics: General Rage, Cube Stories | 1 Comment »
What’s Shabbos?
By Walter Sobchak | October 3, 2007
I told those fucks down at the league office a thousand times that I don’t roll on Shabbos!
Topics: Cube Stories | 2 Comments »
Diversity Program
By GMikeG | September 19, 2007
My role in cube land is somewhat amorphous; I kind of make it up as I go. Although this can be a gossamer existence, the upshot is I get to re-invent myself every day. Today I was asked to respond to a request for proposal on behalf of the Human Resource department. The potential client asked us to describe our Diversity Program. Since we don’t actually have a Diversity Program (we don’t need no stink’n diversity) I think it’s appropriate that HR come to Marketing to create a diversity program for them. Which leads us to Today’s Word.
Today’s Word is Diversity.
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Topics: Cube Stories | No Comments »
Interviewing for your own job
By The Dude | September 17, 2007
The Dude I have to interview with that woman about what I like/dislike about the company tomorrow at noon
The Dude It’s called a “STAY INTERVIEW”
The Dude maybe they have reason to believe I’m a flight risk
Cube Pirate hahahahhahaha
Cube Pirate YOU HAVE AN INTERVIEW WITH THE BOBS
The Dude as;djfklasdl;fjasd;lfkasf
Cube Pirate you’re interviewing for your own job
The Dude Well luckily all my work has been reassigned as a precaution
The Dude in case I fail
Cube Pirate haha, jesus
The Dude this is not looking good
Cube Pirate you’re screwed
Cube Pirate “What, exactly, do ya do here?”
Cube Pirate “Well, I used to code SNMP” - “You don’t anymore?” - “Well no, the new girl does it now, well I mean, sometimes”
The Dude I guess it could be worse
The Dude it could be called a “LEAVE INTERVIEW”
Cube Pirate that’s too obvious
The Dude I’m screwed.
Cube Pirate you should say “Well, I definitely dislike the STAY interview”
Topics: Cube Stories | 1 Comment »
Musical Cubes
By GMikeG | August 30, 2007
Welcome to the jungle
It gets worse here everyday
Ya learn ta live like an animal
In the jungle where we play
If you got a hunger for what you see
You’ll take it eventually
You can have anything you want
But you better not take it from me.
Hey Cube Pirate, I almost missed out on the tag sale this Monday.
Three of my former colleagues became the victims of a corporate re-organization. They weren’t expecting the layoff because they were quite successful at their jobs. However, the numbers weren’t good enough for corporate and some heads had to roll.
The good news is the rest of the surviving cube rats had a tag sale free for all. First come first serve, get it while it’s hot, literally. I took a sweet pair of computer speakers that were still warm from the previous owner. At least I waited until the guy’s boss said it was alright to start stripping the cube. But there are some cold blooded predators in the cube jungle. One poor victim was still packing her boxes, trying to hold back her tears, and she had a surprise visitor. No, it wasn’t one of her friends coming to say how sorry they were and that she should be happy to be free. No, it was the next occupant slotted for that cube. That’s right, the grave, I mean cube, wasn’t even empty yet, and the next rat was trying to jump in already. It takes all kinds Cube Pirate.
I wanna watch you bleed………
Topics: Cube Stories | 3 Comments »
Cube Scavenging Ethics
By CubePirates | August 29, 2007
Today I scored a wrist pad for both my mouse and keyboard from some newly vacant cubes. It feels wrong taking something that your former coworker was using 2 days ago, before they were “reorganized” out of a job. Although, by the time I got in there to see what I could find, there was already a steady stream of stuff being taken from the three vacant cubes.
Actually, the more I think about it, if I were to come in one Monday morning with the VP of Human Resources waiting for me at my cube, I’m positive that my now former coworkers would have done exactly the same thing.
A wise man once told me, “In a cube farm of paper clip users, the man with the stapler is king.”
Topics: Cube Stories | 1 Comment »
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